Monday, August 17, 2009

In Houston, Criminal Defense Lawyer Andy Nolen Is The Best. Everyone Else Sucks

It's a new world folks. No longer does a criminal defense lawyer, or any lawyer, have to actually be "good." All they have to do is to pretend to be "good" or the "best" on the internet. Potential clients trolling the internet instead of getting referrals from people don't know the difference, and don't care. Their goal, the best and cheapest, not necessarily in that order.

Those searching Houston Criminal Defense Lawyers are quickly convinced that Houston's Andy Nolen is the best. This is a lawyer that's got the whole internet thing down. And he's the best, at everything. He's got much of the Texas Code scurrying around his website so that almost any legal problem leads you to him.

His review page is filled with an outpouring (except one) of unbelievable reviews

Andy's background is, well, I write, you decide. He lists as his qualifications to be the best Houston Criminal Defense Lawyer that he was an Intern at the Harris County District Attorney's Office, had another Internship at the Texas Department of
Criminal Justice Inmate Legal Services, and....... was in the Top 8% for....the.....Law School Admissions Test (LSAT).

I mean, Andy does have some awesome ways of doing things. According to Andy, his charging of flat rate fees "...has had the effect of increasing the number of cases I get


Andy also will tell the prosecutor what he doesn't really think: "Even if I think your case is very weak, I will still try to persuade the D.A. that the case is horrible and should be dismissed."

It also appears that whatever you want, Andy will get it for you: "Often, there can be negotiated a variety of outcomes in any particular criminal case. That's why I take the time to explain the consequences of each choice and find out the needs and wants of my clients. Then I go get them the result they want."

I wish I could tell my clients that. I'm sure all the crappy Houston Criminal Defense Lawyers, awash in their desire to be as as great as Andy, could do the same.

In discussing what to wear to court, Andy also has a nickname for certain clients: "Advanced Game Players." (wonder where he got that term......?)


See how the prosecutors judges, and court
staff are dressed and imitate them! They will
think your the best dressed defendant, I
promise you!

And then there's this. A review page of some of Houston's good and great criminal lawyers. But on this page, where Andy Nolen is touted as the lawyer to hire, the others all suck.

Coincidence? I'm laughing too.

He also claims that Yahoo and Google think he's the best Houston Criminal Defense Lawyer. The text reads: "From the website of Andy Nolen, who practices in the Harris County ... BY GOOGLE AND YAHOO AS ONE OF HOUSTON'S: BEST CRIMINAL ATTORNEYS" Funny thing is, I didn't know Yahoo and Google gave such titles. Perhaps someone from Google and Yahoo can weigh in here, and with the Texas Bar.

Andy's reviews are amazing. Also amazing is that all the lawyers he practices with in Houston, someof which I personally know to be outstanding criminal defense lawyers, suck when compared to Andy.

And out comes the dirty little secret: Want business? Trash the competition. When someone comes in your office and you want the case, claim you've never heard of the other lawyer mentioned by the potential client (even if you just had coffee with him earlier that day). If a potential client mentions another lawyer, say "I didn't know he did criminal cases." Our friend Andy is just "lucky" I guess that his reviews on Yahoo make clear that there is no one else to hire in Houston, not even the lawyers with stellar reputations.

Now all is not perfect in Andy's internet world of marketing his practice:

As is seen here: "Would not recommend this attorney. Retained him for criminal case, paid him and after several resets, he stood us up in court. Never showed. Called, emailed, etc several times to find out why and where he was, and he has yet to return anything, including my money! I will be reporting him to the bar assoc and any other so called assoc he claims to be a member of. Leaving us stranded without any representation should not be tolerated and taking our money is theft.

Now I understand that the Texas Bar's Disciplinary Rules of Professional Conduct have "Integrity" spelled wrong on page 2 but that's no reason for Texas lawyers not to have any.

There's only two possibilities here: 1. Andy did this. 2. Someone working on Andy's internet charade did this. Doesn't matter. Andy has to do something about it, now."

Will he?

Oh, and Andy, if you're going to list your case results on your page, you may want to explain why you've had no results since 2007, and how you've never lost a case.


Brian Tannebaum is a criminal defense lawyer in Miami, Florida practicing in state and federal court. Read his free ebook The Truth About Hiring A Criminal Defense Lawyer. To learn more about Brian and his firm, Tannebaum Weiss, please visit

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